Fathers Day (TAKE TWO!)

This year, Father's Day was awesome. I found a new church to go to and I got to spend the day with my cousin Kendric and his family. They rented a van and we drove down to Islamorada near Key Largo. There is an all you can eat sea food resutrant there and the food was great.

What made the whole thing so cool was the fact that we actually DID SOMETHING instead of just talking about doing something. IT felt good to see that my cousin had me on this one. I was able to create some great memories and will have them with me forever. Who knows, maybe next year I'll be able to take THEM somewhere nice...

Nights like this...

There is so much on my mind right now...

I'm lonely. I hate feeling like I'm lonely cuz then I do things that I shouldn't do and call people I shouldn't call. Go places I shouldn't go. That's never a good thing because then I hurt people that shouldn't be hurt.

I need to stop that. I guess I need to understand why I feel like this...

My sister said something to me last night when we talked on that phone that I didn't know about myself. She said that when it comes to women, I sometimes need space away from them if I'm dealing with them too much. I don't have a large plate to eat off of as far as my selection goes so I tend to get with one and just focus on that one. Apparently this is not a good thing because then I will need that space I didn't know I needed and they will still be around. This of course causes friction and I end up kicking them to the curb. This ain't good at all.

This kinda fits into what Carline said about me a few years back about how I will never get married because I don't know what I want and I'm too picky and I can't commit in relationships. I think that's funny because I know that I DO want to have a relationship and get married to the right woman but I just don't see it happening.

Did I tell you I went out with Nicole? I did.It was nice. I realize that she is one of the only women that I can talk to that REALLY gets me. We talk more often than before (not as often as I'd like) and its cool but there is something about things now that is different. I still love to talk to her and we have great conversations but I fear that that may not be enough.

And now lets talk about my book...

First of all, I'm pleased to say that I have an actual copy of it. Too bad the copy I have does not represent the dream I had. I had to go with a new publisher and I hope they can get it right. I need to set a deadline and a goal for my book. I do not want it to just take up space in this world, I want it to go far and help me become the writer I know I will be. I have dreams of a nice house in Hollywood and my son being with me. I want it so bad that it keeps me up at night!

Dennis (the dude working on my site and a few other things) says not to worry. I haven't seen my site yet but he tells me it is awesome and that he has a plan in place for big things to happen. Gotta walk by faith I suppose...

That is very hard to do. I want to, I really do want to but man is it hard! I want to believe that my book is going to set me apart from other authors, I want to believe that there is a woman out there for me and I want to believe that I will have the life I have been dreaming about fr so long. Where is this doubt coming from? I CAN DO THIS DAMN IT!!

The Tie That Binds...

My good friend Keisha sent me a picture the other day and it summed up my feelings about my job perfectly. Check it out below...



I haven't worn a tie to work in the last two days for a few reasons but today I kinda went back to putting it on. WHAT A DIFFERENCE! MOnday and Tuesday I literally felt free-er than usual. With no tie and my collar open, I really felt like my day was a lot better. I was able to get my work done and still enjoy myself. Monday my car got towed and I didn't sweat it for the rest of the day. Yesterday was an okay day as well. Nothing really got to me.

Today, I put that tie on and my shirt felt like it shrank in size around the neck. This sucks...

Also on Monday, I was offered a job. I'm not sure what I'll do but this guy said I could make up to 250K a year. Um... I think I'll check that out...

Comic Books

I went to a comic book store today and it was such a great feeling. There is something about these places that puts me right back into being a kid again. You have all these colored thin books with pictures in them, telling some fantastic story that could never happen in the real world.

Comic books represent something dear to me. I could never draw that well (still can't!) so to me they are the ULTIMATE representation of the stories in my head. I used to try and draw my own comic strips back in the day (like third grade) and though my comics were crude, they were always action packed. That was my signature. My strip was called 'Air Mobley' and thinking about it now puts a smile on my face. This was my first attempt at story creating.

At first my strips were very simple. Air (obviously me) and his friends did regular stuff like hang out, play games and what not. After a while I actually got bored with those and created a super hero 'Blue Thunder'. (I laugh thinking about it but man was it fun!) Blue Thunder was filled with action. This is where I thought out my most thrilling sequences. I recall my drawing actually improving when I was doing this strip. Again, it wasn't the best but I began to experiment with blur effects, zooming in and out, odd angles, the whole nine. There came a point when my Blue Thunder comics were all thought about. I would spend hours working on them from the story to setting up the action scenes. In my heart, I want to do comics.

But cuz my drawing still sucked more then a two dollar hooker, I went with writing. And I'm not mad at that at all...

Nicole...

Life is just funny. You never know. You just never freaking know. You could wake up in the morning and your life could be totally different than the day before. On friday I thought I had at least one thing figured out but when the weekend was over and the smoke cleared I was on my ass and ready to strike at anything that moved!

I don't feel like getting into what happened. Lets just say things got resolved and hopefully they will work out this time.

BUT FUCK ALL THAT.

Today Nicole found me. This is Nicole I'm talking about people. The alpha, the genesis, the begining. It could be nothing it could be something. It could be everything...

Nightmare...

I just woke from the worst nightmare I have ever had in my entire life. I hate these kinds of dreams because it was the kind that you couldn't tell was real or just a dream. In the dream I was with my family and we were having a normal day. Off in the distance I noticed a mushroom cloud. It looked like it was coming from downtown Miami. At first I thought it was just an odd cloud formation. I even said to my friend Lu, 'hey, doesn't that look like a nuclear bomb just went off?' and she was like 'yeah, it kinda does.'

We kept watching it as is moved closer and closer and could now make out the wake of the explosion coming faster and faster at us. In that moment we realized that this was the real deal and everyone began to run for cover.

The strange thing was, I dropped my son Kennedy off to my dad last night in real life not the dream world so Kennedy wasn't with me in the dream. Once all the people had found the best cover they could and the shockwave of fire and debris past over us, I looked around to see if my family was okay. What's strange to me is that I KNOW when I am dreaming most of the time. When something is out of place I sometimes have the ability to detect it and then while dreaming, I take over and bend that dream world to my whim. (You should try it, I read some books on it a few years ago and its a blast to do!)

In this dream for some reason, I could not think like that. I should have realized this was a dream because my sister was with me. She lives in Georgia and wouldn't be here. She would be the thing that is out of place. Also, I was driving a Monte Carlo in the dream, and I don't own one of those.

The part that got me was when I realized my son was gone. I looked around the now devastated scene and tried my best to figure out where he could be. Something told me he was in the car I was driving and that Monte Carlo had been blown to dust. I cried so much I couldn't think straight. It was the worst possible feeling I have EVER experienced. The pain was so intense that while dreaming I said that this HAD to be a dream so when I passed out I figured I would wake up in my room.

Wrong. The people in my dream kept saying that I was knocked out for weeks, and each time I wake up I would wake up screaming my sons name, then pass out again. Each time I got up, the landscape was different, as if the people had begun to try and put things together from the scrapes they found. It was odd, they all looked like pallets you would see in a Super Target or Walmart. Items like pants and shoes were placed in large piles and the people would walk around them picking out what they needed.

Again, I would cry at the thought of my son and try to force myself to wake up but again I would wake up in the dream world. I KNEW I was dreaming but it was as if my mind wouldn't let me out of this! I couldn't understand why. I wanted to leave this place so bad that it was hurting me to be there. After a while I gathered myself and joined the people working. After I found some shoes and a phone that looked like mine (there was no service but I have pictures of Kennedy in my phone) I bumped into a guy. You could hear the sound of the news playing in the background. Oh, I forgot to mention the strange music I kept hearing through out the dream. It was like some kind of weird, trance like thing. It made you want to conform and give up hope almost.

Back to this guy though. While I was walking around the piles of stuff, a guy saw me. I don't recall what he asked me but I began to tell him about Kennedy. He said something like, 'oh and on his birthday too, don't worry, he's waiting for you in a better place.' I said that his birthday had just past and he had just turned one. I only had one year with my son. I began to cry again, breaking down next to the man. Then he asked me what would I do for my son. I said there isn't anything I would not do for him. When I said this I meant it with all my heart.

That's when I woke up.


POST SCRIPT 10:10 am 2/28/09

It just hit me a little while ago as I was reading over this entry. I know what my dream means. I noticed that there were a few signs that I chose to ignore thanks to the trauma of losing Kennedy but we'll get to that.

Simply put, the dream means that I can not fail and that I MUST be a success. Here is how I see that.

First, all my loved ones are present. Everyone that I care about is with me and everything is all good. My son, my dad, my brothers, and my younger sister are not around. Strange, but I got the feeling that they were I just didn't see them in the dream. These are people I care about but I didn't see them die. I guess I keep them locked away and feel they will always be around.

Once the bomb goes and destroys the world I know, a new world begins to take shape. This is a world of conformity, hence the people walking around like mindless zombies stacking up things in neat piles. I forgot to mention that everyone was wearing white also. Well, I HATE conforming! I hate the fact that every single day I have to put on a stupid white shirt and play by these rules or I'm subject to termination at a job that I feel is suffocating me. That can not happen!

The biggest thing is the death of my son. In the dream, once I realized he was gone, I refused to believe it. I could not picture my life without him in it. I wanted to die also but couldn't. Here is the key part. I kept waking in the dream, to the dream world. Once I sort of accepted that world and tried to live in it that is when a stranger asked me about Kennedy. When he asked me what would I do for my son and I replied 'anything' the dream was over. I was released from that world. That was the signal to MAKE IT HAPPEN!

This world that I live in will be over soon. It won't be long until I become the man I am supposed to be! That explosion could be seen as a wake up call to get up off my ass and push my dream of being a success or I could wake up and find everything I love gone. I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. I WILL NOT LOSE.

I GOT THIS.

Posted like a sticky note...

I haven't heard anything yet about the flowers I sent to Carrisa but I'm confident she will put it together and figure it was me...

Oh, you don't know about do you? Check a blog or so down and I mention meeting a wonderful young lady back on Friday the 13th. Well, I was so taken by her that it caused me to drop all contact with every girl I was dealing with, and I mean EVERY girl. It didn't matter if we'd been out just once, or if we had known each other for years, it was like a was having a fire sale because THEY ALL HAD TO GO!!! She was just THAT awesome. So here is what happened...

The next week I went to a FAMU alumni breakfast with my Uncle's girlfriend Romania. Now she is the type of woman you want in your life. She is smart, funny, sweet as can be, has those motherly qualities that make a good wife, and she can be a trip when you take her out. She's great in any environment you place her in. Her and my uncle took a minute to get it together, but that's okay. When its right, its right.

Anywho, we go to this breakfast and who is there but Carrisa. I won't lie to you, my heart stopped when I saw her walk in the room. I dare say she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in like, REAL life. Tall, sexy, fashionable, I could go on and on but lets just say that if/when we get together (pending her being crazy) I am not going to let this one go and she will be my wife. I said it. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The meeting goes fine. Vanessa, the president of the alumni, gets Romania to introduce me to the group. I stand, say a bit about myself, and there was even a point when Carrisa even helped me finish a sentence. It took everything in me not to fall out on the floor! She is so wonderful! After I say my piece, the meeting goes on and when it is over I approach her for some small talk.

The last time I talked to her, she said she had no plans for Valentines Day (which was just a tragedy for a woman so exquisite but a good thing for me because given the chance I will not slack a MINUTE on that if that is what she's into!) I asked her about her Valentines Day and she said she did nothing. As we're talking another woman jumped into the conversation. At first I thought it was rude but it turned out to be a very serendipitous outtake for me. She overheard Carrisa's response to my question and asked her "What about ya little boyfriend you was with?"

My heart SANK. A boyfriend?! I knew it was too good to be true! But Carrisa, in all her sheer awesomeness replied; "Oh him, girl he's out the door! I kicked him to the curb..."

They say your life flashes before your eyes when your about to die. I had so many close calls in this one morning from Carrisa that I began to recognize patterns in my life! But I'm breaking that pattern with her. I will not allow things to go the way they went with other relationships. She is the one, I can feel that inside me. I know I don't know her that well yet, but there is something about her.

So I find out where she works and it just so happens that she just got a position in the alumni chapter as the Public Relations Director.

SERENDIPITY.

Come Monday, armed with the knowledge I gained from the meeting, I send her some flowers. Two dozen long stem roses in a glass vase. The arrangement is beyond beautiful. Since her school colors are orange and green, I send her orange roses with orange and green lace. PERFECT. They arrive at her school in the morning and of course all the teachers and staff are in a tizzy over them. She has to come to the office and pick them up, then carry them back to her class. PERFECT. Now all the school is abuzz and her third graders are no help (they are to me though!).

the problem is that I have horrible handwriting. On the note attached, I congratulated her on her position then signed my name ILLEGIBLY. Now she's called up the president of the alumni, all her ex boyfriends, her parents, her friends, EVERYONE she can think of and it has her mind blown.

But that was Tuesday and now its Friday. I haven't heard anything yet and I'm trying my best to not think the worst, that maybe she knows who I am but is like 'whatever' or maybe she knows and she just hasn't gotten back to me yet. Or maybe she's given up on finding out. I hate maybes...

In other news, I am getting really excited about the sequel to my first book Lions For A Day, The Shepard's Resignation. This one is gonna be FIRE. Stay tuned...